By Jocelyn Jackson Williams | OBSERVER Columnist
Valentine’s Day marks the end of Another Singles Awareness season. One could argue that we saved the best for last in its ability to cause the single experience to become as visceral as possible. How did this season treat you? Were you able to navigate holiday functions with relative ease or did you come up against a thought or two that fed your belief that the reason that you’re still single is that something must be wrong with you?
A majority of my single friends, to some extent, entertain the idea that if only they were more ____________, they would be in a relationship. I know I used to feel that way. But if you’ve been married for more than two minutes then you know that we’re all glorious works in progress. Combine that fact with the reality of living in a performative society, many important conversations surrounding singleness and dating never see the light of day. In reflection of things I wish someone would have told me when I was single, I would love to share with you three (of many) thoughts on the matter:
Black Love Is Real & Worth Believing In and Fighting For
It’s been a decade since relationship expert Paul Carrick Brunson guest hosted an episode of Dr. Drew. He brought on a bunch of black men to talk about why they do or don’t date black women. I almost didn’t watch it because I was so afraid of what they might say and how personally I might inhabit their thoughts. But I watched and came out emotionally unscathed. It wasn’t an hour of black women bashing; it was an hour of black men discussing their needs and desires. It saddened me that my gut reaction was so fearful, even if I had life experiences to support that fear. What I was disappointed about in myself was allowing my negative experiences to shape my beliefs and form my expectations. The only purpose that served was me creating more distance from the thing I said I wanted.
When Nia Long interviewed Jeezy a couple of months ago, Jeezy spoke to the core of what is needed for Black Love to flourish: “I hope this conversation can open up different conversations in our culture about being there for one another instead of being at odds with one another, no matter what we’ve been through.” I am reminded that faith is the substance of things hoped for (Hebrews 11:1). Our minds and our actions are that substance.
Stay Away from Instagram Relationship Images & Advice
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this point before, but it bears repeating in perpetuity. People who post relationship comments/advice on Instagram typically don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. What’s so tricky is that the comments seem benign. I pulled a few pieces of “advice” to workshop being able to discern nonsense appearing as wisdom:
Stay single until someone never fills your heart with doubt.
Stay single until you find someone who makes the most mundane moments feel like an adventure.
Stay single until you find someone who has only ever brought you peace and happiness.
All this red flag advice is coming from accounts that are selling products. God bless licensed therapist Kier Gaines for his post that perfectly describes the criteria for listening to what anyone has to say on social platforms:
- Who is the actual person behind the post; they should be identifying themselves.
- After they identify themselves, they should clearly state their expertise; if they have no actual expertise, they should clearly state that they are just giving an opinion.
- Lastly, do they provide actionable steps? If they don’t, what they are doing is fear-mongering, at best.
Perhaps the most insidious form of Instagram misinformation are the curated images. Because we are creatures of comparison, we envy the happy couples living the high life, dressed for the red carpet, on the beach, in a fancy restaurant, floating breakfasts in the water on vacation, surrounded by rose petals and walking in a rain shower of champagne while feeding each other chocolate-covered strawberries. There may not be one photo to encompass all those things but that’s exactly how it’s cumulatively stored in our brain. And the more we see it and like it and dream of it, the more all those idealistic things are solidified as what a successful relationship is. And that’s how you set yourself up for future failure: conflating moments of happiness or images of fantasy into your benchmark for relational satisfaction.
In summation, tread carefully on Instagram. What looks like wisdom could be nothing more than emotion-inducing clickbait to drive engagement.
Craft Your Health
I have heard plenty of sermons that forewarn single people to do their best to be whole so they don’t bring their brokenness into a marriage. But how does one go about becoming whole? In my Advent of Singles Awareness Season column, I mentioned the importance of crafting your life. An important subsection of a crafted life is crafted health: mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. I know there are only 24 hours in a day but somehow, we all need a conscious plan that supports and strengthens us in each of these areas.
It is my hope that by the start of the next Singles Awareness Season, we can look back on this year having experienced more self-love and having demonstrated more love to others. May you, Dear Single Person, make the most of your days of solitude until you find yourself in a new season of life.
Jocelyn Jackson Williams is a published author and one of only ten Certification Trainers in the country, and the only person of color, of the Grief Recovery Method. She is passionate about issues surrounding love, life, and loss in the Black community. You can connect with her on Instagram, TikTok and Threads: @jocelyn_takes_on