By Jocelyn Jackson Williams | OBSERVER Columnist
The death of Stephen “tWitch” Boss late last year was a shock for those of us who followed his career and admired his life and achievements. We got a glimpse into his family life through the dances that he and his family posted on social media. The joy we saw when they danced was a much-needed daily pick-me-up during a pandemic that affected us all. And now, his death is a painful reminder of how fleeting life can be and how prone we are to being deceived about one another’s wellness.
The most prominent advice that people share in times like these is to “check on your strong friends.” This is a great start, but the truth is that all people have the propensity to avoid sharing painful truths of their life. People who appear to be an open book have limits to what they reveal about themselves as well. Our consciousness needs to extend beyond the “strong” people in our lives; we need to operate out of the understanding that we all have a basic human need to be heard, loved, and understood. Check in on your people. No adjective needed.
With that in mind, we all need to be discerning of who we allow into the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. Some friends and family members do not possess the capacity to be a safe space for someone’s pain.
Before checking in with someone, ask yourself if you can answer ‘yes’ to each of these questions:
Can I listen to this person with empathy? Can I listen without turning the conversation into stories about myself? Can I validate instead of disregarding their pain? Will this person walk away from a conversation with me feeling respected and cared for?
Those questions are a benchmark for conversations. If you’re looking for more that you can do to better care for those you love, here are a few suggestions:
Learn how to become a better listener. Explore the world of free YouTube videos and TED Talks available to learn how to be of greater help to others through your listening skills.
Create conscious mental and emotional boundaries with social media. The only #relationshipgoals or #lifegoals worth pursuing are ones found in actual community with others where the individuals dare to be open about challenges and struggles.
Expand your circle of trust. Many people are weary of sharing anything about their personal lives; if that is you, find one confidante that you can talk to about personal matters that shouldn’t remain suppressed. If you already have a safe person, expand your circle of trust to include a community group or mental health professional.
Safe Black Space exists as a healing space to address racial stress and trauma for people of African ancestry. (https://www.safeblackspace.org/)
The Grief Recovery Method is the only evidence-based recovery program in the country to help people overcome any devastating loss. (griefrecoverymethod.com)
We most likely will continue to hear about shocking losses in both our communities and on the news. But these steps can help reduce the frequency and severity of pain and
disappointment.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Jocelyn Jackson Williams is a published author and expert on grief. Williams is one of only 10 Certification Trainers in the country — and the only person of color — of the Grief Recovery Method. She uses her expertise to explore love, life, and loss in the Black community.